but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
