put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
