i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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