my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
