When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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