i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
