I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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