I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize