Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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