Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My pussy is not your playground.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
