We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
