The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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