I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
