I skipped work to stalk him.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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