So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
