and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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