She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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