omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
