My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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