I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
