mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize