cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
