do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
