finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
