I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize