my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
