so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
