She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
