Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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