Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
organizing the empties. That sober.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
