Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
