we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
