Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
