my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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