My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
