Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize