I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
