I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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