Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
