2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize