apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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