I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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