it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize