Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize