My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
