i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
