i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
