So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
