sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
