Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
