I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
