3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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