I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
