Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What happened to fro yo and sex?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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