I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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