Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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