I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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