I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
