I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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