Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
