Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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