if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Everclear isn't food dammit
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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