The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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