He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
